vaginismus’s left over effects on my body

i used to have vaginismus. in my case it was a result of childhood abuse. i no longer have it or if i do it is very mild it is hard to tell for certain if i have it because of where i am in pregnancy. one thing i am realizing though is in a way it is making this point in my pregnancy a lot easier for me to deal with. i feel very crampy like i am about to get my period and have felt this way for a few weeks now. i’m not in any pain as far as cramps go and i een like them they tell me my body knows what it needs to do and is doing it. they help me trust my body. the pas few daysi have also een havingvaginal pain and the pain is a lot like the pain i used to have on a regular basis from muscle spasms in mypelvic floor. the spasms mostly went way with biofeedback therapy for vaginismus. i used to have a lot of pain on a regular basis and because it isn’t something people talk about and because i was not ready to have a doctor diagnose me or to do the physical therapy needed to get better i just acted like i was in no pain. i used to spend all day working in retail walking around talking to customers while having shooting pains in my vagina and smiling and ignoring it. it is awful that i went through that and it is awful that i was abused and that the abuse caused my body to have so many problems both emotional and physical but a result of the pain i used to have is that now when i get little contractions and every day a bit of vaginal pain that seems to be slowly increasing is that this pain seems really mild and i don’t even feel like it is pain more like it is discomfort than pain. i think a lot of women would rate this higher on a pain scale but because of what i have to compare it to and because it is something i am associating with such a positive good thing.  this is discomfort that comes with a baby that i have been creating out of love with the help of the person i love most in the world and that this baby is doing what he or she needs to do to come out of my body and my body is doing what it needs to do so my baby can be born. it is strange it is like i am having this incredibly positive experience right now. i hear a lot of women complain about wanting pregnancy to be over and i admit i am getting really impatient i want to hold my baby i want to see my baby and feed my baby and snuggle p and smell my baby but i also am loving being pregnant i feel so empowered right now and i am looking forward to giving birth so much the happy anticipation is really amazing. pregnancy has been such an amazing growing experience for me and being a mom to my baby will just be  continuation of that growth. so right now i am 39 weeks and 3 days my baby is welcome to arrive whenever he or she is ready and i am happy to wait but happy to not wait whatever this baby needs.

vent

my mom has started calling me daily. i will soon be screening calls especially screening calls from my mom. she informed me that my baby is her baby to which i quickly corrected her on this is not her baby this is my baby papa mouses baby and my babies baby and thats it. this baby belongs to no one but his or herself and thats that! and i am the one who has grown this baby and cared for this baby for the past 9 months and papa mouse has cared for me and helped me take care of this baby so if the baby “belonged” to someone other than the baby it would be me and then rob and thats it. when i told rob what my mom said he was a bit shocked and glad i swiftly corrected her. i don’t actually plan to tell my mom hen my baby is born i mean i will tell her but not for several or more days i don’t want to deal with her visit for a while and when she does come i will have a friend on call to help get rid of her if that needs to happen.