vaginismus’s left over effects on my body

i used to have vaginismus. in my case it was a result of childhood abuse. i no longer have it or if i do it is very mild it is hard to tell for certain if i have it because of where i am in pregnancy. one thing i am realizing though is in a way it is making this point in my pregnancy a lot easier for me to deal with. i feel very crampy like i am about to get my period and have felt this way for a few weeks now. i’m not in any pain as far as cramps go and i een like them they tell me my body knows what it needs to do and is doing it. they help me trust my body. the pas few daysi have also een havingvaginal pain and the pain is a lot like the pain i used to have on a regular basis from muscle spasms in mypelvic floor. the spasms mostly went way with biofeedback therapy for vaginismus. i used to have a lot of pain on a regular basis and because it isn’t something people talk about and because i was not ready to have a doctor diagnose me or to do the physical therapy needed to get better i just acted like i was in no pain. i used to spend all day working in retail walking around talking to customers while having shooting pains in my vagina and smiling and ignoring it. it is awful that i went through that and it is awful that i was abused and that the abuse caused my body to have so many problems both emotional and physical but a result of the pain i used to have is that now when i get little contractions and every day a bit of vaginal pain that seems to be slowly increasing is that this pain seems really mild and i don’t even feel like it is pain more like it is discomfort than pain. i think a lot of women would rate this higher on a pain scale but because of what i have to compare it to and because it is something i am associating with such a positive good thing.  this is discomfort that comes with a baby that i have been creating out of love with the help of the person i love most in the world and that this baby is doing what he or she needs to do to come out of my body and my body is doing what it needs to do so my baby can be born. it is strange it is like i am having this incredibly positive experience right now. i hear a lot of women complain about wanting pregnancy to be over and i admit i am getting really impatient i want to hold my baby i want to see my baby and feed my baby and snuggle p and smell my baby but i also am loving being pregnant i feel so empowered right now and i am looking forward to giving birth so much the happy anticipation is really amazing. pregnancy has been such an amazing growing experience for me and being a mom to my baby will just be  continuation of that growth. so right now i am 39 weeks and 3 days my baby is welcome to arrive whenever he or she is ready and i am happy to wait but happy to not wait whatever this baby needs.

Birth Control

This post is inspired by a thread on a parenting forum I frequent that turned into a debate about the environmental impact of birth control pills and condoms.

I often find myself somewhat shocked at how many people do not seem to realize all the ways people can make love that do not involve intercourse or the making of babies. Because of my having had primary vaginismus when Papa Mouse and I started dating when we got to a point in our relationship where we felt ready to make love we had to be creative and find ways to make love other than intercourse. We had been together for close to 8 years before intercourse was even possible for me and after it became possible it was somewhat painful for me and still sometimes is. The pain doesn’t make it not feel good also but it is there and is a sign I still have some degree of vaginismus. Because it was not long after intercourse became possible that Papa Mouse and I decided we wanted to have a Little Mouse we have not really had to think much about birth control. We both very much enjoy intercourse and I think we are pretty good at it but we are good at so many other ways of making love that we don’t need to have intercourse to make love.

Now that my due date is approaching and soon my Little Mouse will be born and Papa Mouse and I will have to make decisions about birth control I am finding myself with a lot to ponder. I think we may just avoid intercourse unless we know it is a time of them month not close to when I ovulate. Of course with on demand breast feeding 24/7 when my fertility returns will be unpredictable. We may decide to have some condoms around for if we decide we really want to have intercourse; I have pondered using Lea’s shield but I feel uncomfortable with the spermicides available in the united states. I am especially uncomfortable with putting Nonoxynol-9 into my body. I have known women who had very bad reactions to it. I could use it without spermicide and it would have a higher chance of failure. I have also heard of mixing personal lubricant with vitamin c powder (making it acidic) and using that as a spermicide with diaphragms. There is also “the pill” and other forms of hormonal birth control. I personally am not ok with putting hormones in my body and I am not ok with the pollution of our planet earth that is caused by hormonal birth control and other medications for that matter. I have plenty of time to think about this and no idea when i will have the energy or desire to make love once Little Mouse is here anyways. It is interesting to ponder though.