A Quiet Healthy Rage

I’m a survivor of incest. Covert incest from my step father from the time I was 6 until I was 19 and overt incest from my older brother which started when I was around 2 or 3 and stopped when I was around 8 or 9. I am also a survivor of other forms of abuse including neglect and emotional abuse and verbal abuse from my mother. I worry a lot that my issues will effect my labor and birth and effect me as a mother. For many years I worried that the abuse had somehow effected my fertility and in a way it did. the abuse caused me to have fairly sever vaginismus which I have had treatment for and it didn’t effect my fertility in any other way. When the father of my baby said he was ready to have kids I said ok lets get started! I managed to conceive immediate. I had spent close to 8 years in therapy by that time and the ptsd that I had suffered for so many years had finally gotten to a point of being very mild. I had spent what seemed like my whole life suffering from sever anxiety and depression and it had gotten to the point where I no longer had any real depression and my anxiety level was very manageable and both have remained this way for my pregnancy. I have felt sad and blue at times and have mourned for the little girl I once was and I have certainly had some anxiety but nothing like the panic attacks I once had on a daily basis. My Therapist who I guess is my ex therapist now because she moved away recently told me before she left that she felt I was feeling a “healthy and quiet rage”. She said this when we where talking about all the feelings about my own mother that pregnancy is bringing out for me. It had never occurred to e that rage could be quiet or healthy. My father (who probably did abuse me some but who’s abuse seems so minor compared to other abuse that happened it is hard for me to really think of it as abuse) has anger problems. He tends to own up to the mistakes he has made as a parent and take responsibility for his actions. I have seen my father express a lot of unhealthy loud rage in my life. So I guess i have no point in this post except I am feeling confused today. I am 33 weeks pregnant and went to a baby shower yesterday that was arranged by my mother and now all sorts of emotions are coming up to the surface. I think a lot of these feelings must be that quiet rage that is hiding deep within me and I really have no idea what to do with it. As a child if I expressed any emotions around my mother that where not either neutral or happy I was punished. I find expressing emotions like anger very scary and confusing and I am a pacifist by nature. I generally do not yell or hit things not even pillows. I don’t do any of the things i have witnessed people do when they are angry healthy or unhealthy. I feel like I need an outlet though and the lack of having one leaves me feeling confused. So I guess thats the point of my post. I am outing myself as a survivor of incest and other abuse and saying that right now pregnancy is brining stuff up for me and I don’t know what to do with it and am confused. If anyone reads this and has words of wisdom to share then please do. If anyone reads this and would like to say something mean to me please know your comments will be deleted. I have this anonymous so I can keep it public and since it is public I feel vulnerable but I am not going to let that stop me from posting this and maybe this can even help someone.

Birth Control

This post is inspired by a thread on a parenting forum I frequent that turned into a debate about the environmental impact of birth control pills and condoms.

I often find myself somewhat shocked at how many people do not seem to realize all the ways people can make love that do not involve intercourse or the making of babies. Because of my having had primary vaginismus when Papa Mouse and I started dating when we got to a point in our relationship where we felt ready to make love we had to be creative and find ways to make love other than intercourse. We had been together for close to 8 years before intercourse was even possible for me and after it became possible it was somewhat painful for me and still sometimes is. The pain doesn’t make it not feel good also but it is there and is a sign I still have some degree of vaginismus. Because it was not long after intercourse became possible that Papa Mouse and I decided we wanted to have a Little Mouse we have not really had to think much about birth control. We both very much enjoy intercourse and I think we are pretty good at it but we are good at so many other ways of making love that we don’t need to have intercourse to make love.

Now that my due date is approaching and soon my Little Mouse will be born and Papa Mouse and I will have to make decisions about birth control I am finding myself with a lot to ponder. I think we may just avoid intercourse unless we know it is a time of them month not close to when I ovulate. Of course with on demand breast feeding 24/7 when my fertility returns will be unpredictable. We may decide to have some condoms around for if we decide we really want to have intercourse; I have pondered using Lea’s shield but I feel uncomfortable with the spermicides available in the united states. I am especially uncomfortable with putting Nonoxynol-9 into my body. I have known women who had very bad reactions to it. I could use it without spermicide and it would have a higher chance of failure. I have also heard of mixing personal lubricant with vitamin c powder (making it acidic) and using that as a spermicide with diaphragms. There is also “the pill” and other forms of hormonal birth control. I personally am not ok with putting hormones in my body and I am not ok with the pollution of our planet earth that is caused by hormonal birth control and other medications for that matter. I have plenty of time to think about this and no idea when i will have the energy or desire to make love once Little Mouse is here anyways. It is interesting to ponder though.